NCSU ENDOWMENT INCREASES TO $7.64

After years of fishing for spare change out of the couch cushions and investing in penny stocks, NC State is looking to hit the $7.64 mark for its endowment. To put the magnitude of this great achievement into perspective, Harvard University did not even make it past the $6.23 mark until 1645 (accounting for inflation and conversion from golden ducats).

Dr. Randy Woodson (Chancellor of NC State and Doge of the Most Serene Republic of Venice) was hired in 2010 to dramatically increase the size of NCSU’s endowment to compete with other relevant universities. In 2010, NC State’s endowment amounted to $5.12, but after finding a $1 bill on the sidewalk and two quarters in the change slot for a vending machine, Chancellor Woodson has made great strides towards improving NCSU’s financial standing. By the end of the year, Chancellor Woodson hopes to find four quarters randomly in his jacket pocket that were probably intended for parking fare.

The administration is not complacent though, Chancellor Woodson recently announced a giant initiative to search every single sewer grate on Centennial campus along with an extensive plan to ask his parents for a couple bucks. If all goes according to plan, the university will have $20 in endowment money by 2020, enough to buy 2 shares of stock with JC Penny. In order to bring awareness and support for this revolutionary push for funds, NC State has started the #202020 hashtag on twitter. In addition to setting these goals, NC State will put out 10 top level administrators around Raleigh with signs saying “Will sing the NC State fight song for endowment donations”.

Doge Randy Woodson asking President Barack Obama for about $3.50