NC State Students thankful for Administration’s clarification of “Think and Do”

Randy Woodson gave a half hour speech announcing the recent amendment to the well known and widely impactless NC State mantra “Think and Do” to “Think and Do the Extraordinary.” The speech consisted of nothing but variations of the words “think,” “and,” and “do,” punctuated magnificently at the end with “the extraordinary.”

“Simultaneous thinking and doing is truly unprecedented.” said Woodson. “I think that our specific doing and thinking represents both the doing of thinking and the thinking of doing at the same time, which in itself is extraordinary!”

It truly was a work of modern art. In response to the speech, students have taken to social media to express their gratitude toward the administration for the much needed clarification of what it is, exactly, they are supposed to be thinking and doing. Our correspondents interviewed a few of the mindblown students in their natural environment.

“Yeah I’m like, super stoked they finally told us what they meant for us to be think and doing,” says Jake Anderson, sophomore “double” majoring in electrical and computer engineering, while hastily throwing a large sheet over the paper mache baking soda and vinegar volcano he had been working on. “I was just think and doing the mediocre, but now I think I’ll do more than just the bare minimum to graduate.”

“Everything I do is extraordinary,” says Polan Naulson, self-proclaimed visionary and senior studying business administration, “Though I’m happy I’ve got university approval for my new business hooking up drug dealers with people who want drugs, now.”

“Premeditation is key,” added Julio Chavez, senior studying political science and bakery studies, “I never would have been able to craft a 30-foot breadstick sculpture of Hillary Clinton without detailed planning, research, and necessary funds, but the motivating slogan is what really lead me through the process.”

Julio plans to release his documentary, The Making of a Thirty Foot Breadstick Sculpture of Hillary Clinton, on DVD and Blu-ray this December.

Faculty has observed across the board a newfound appreciation and adoption of the slogan now that the students have been given a direction. Students have quit the library for grander pursuits, such as practicing for a 12 hour krumping dance marathon, running 398 miles to eat 40,000 doughnuts, and becoming an actual flamingo. The change is remarkable, but as of yet administration has made little remark. Perhaps they’re still thinking about it, but whenever they do say something, we’re sure it will be extraordinary.

Wolfpack reacts to think and do the extraordinairy

Greek Life hopes to get through one Halloween without any racist bullshit

Greek life, in the past, especially during Halloween, has been infamous for holding racist/sexist/generally offensive themed costume parties, especially during Halloween. Such as at University of Texas. And at UCLA. Also at Clemson. At Arizona too. And, of course, here at NC State.

But don’t worry Randy Woodson, this won’t ruin your fundraising efforts. Put down your Thesaurus bookmarked to “reprehensible, unbecoming, and unacceptable.” This year, you won’t have to do a PR blitz to distance yourself from these  nightmares for your brand  just enough without alienating the wealthy donors that participated in fraternities. According to Duke McChetson XI, senior studying business administration and risk management chair for the PanHellenic Council, white people finally have their shit together with a fully fleshed out policy plan to mitigate this problem.

“Don’t worry people of color!” McChetson exclaimed, after asking what the right way to refer to “the ethnics” was. “Greek Life has been listening to all of you express your perspective on the structural racism that plagues NC State and how it festers particularly in our outmoded, privileged havens. We have heard you loud and clear, we have this today: We promise to keep all our racist bullshit off of social media.”

After months of deliberation between the student leadership and members of Greek Life along with Duke’s one black friend, the PanHellenic Council released a “Risk Management Solutions for Fraternity and Sorority Life: A Comprehensive Guide to Laying Low this Halloween” to all chapter presidents. The guide provides several provisions to keep Greek Life in general under the Radar: requiring party guests to deposit their phones in a box prior to entry, setting up a jamming device on the code-violating roof that will block access to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, creating risk management chairs for each chapter, and advising members to post statuses and pictures related to philanthropy events.

“Greek Life undeservedly gets a bad rap because of the mistakes of ignorant pledges or the couple brothers or sisters who had too much to drink.” said Karen Matthewson, senior studying political science and vice-chair of social media outreach. “We really want to flip the script and show the world all the great things that Greek Life does for the community, like holding fundraising at local restaurants for poor, starving children in Africa or a bake sale/pet a puppy on the brickyard for disproportionally funded research to cure Breast Cancer.”

In general, the consensus of the council was that these were “reasonable concessions” to historically oppressed minority groups at NC State.

“I disagree with some of the measures in the guide on the basis that they restrict the freedom of speech of my brothas.” said Cody McBlancson VI, junior studying sports management and member of AΣΣ, stereotypically impersonating the non-rhotic behavior characteristic of AAVE at the end. “The Regressive Left wants to restrict our fundamental human right to put on sombreros and shoe polish. But these compromises had to be made to ensure that we wouldn’t get into trouble again, we only got like one strike left before they boot us all off.”

Duke McChetson XI exits the negotiations yelling, “Peace in our time!”

 

 

BREAKING: Obama mistakes Orange county GOP headquarters for Yemeni children in drone strike

Sunday evening, Hillsborough police reported that the inside of a Republican headquarters had been set ablaze by an explosive thrown in through a window, consequently incinerating furniture and campaign supplies.

In traditional Republican fashion, members of the party and Donald Trump were quick to blame the Democrats for the vandalism. However, this time they were actually correct. According to a statement from President Barack Obama and Secretary of War Ash Carter, the act was perpetrated by a misplaced drone strike that was rather intended to kill a cell of 10-year-old RadicalIslamicTerrorists playing a game of soccer in Sanaa.

“Now let me be clear, we do not condone violence for any political reasons.” Obama said clearly. “We understand fully that this incident comes at an extremely tense time in American politics, as Donald Trump is resisting my efforts to install Hillary Clinton as my successor. But, we as Americans would never use violence to infringe on the electoral integrity of any nation, we were simply trying to defend the interests of the Illu…I mean Americans in the delicate region.”

Many Americans are unaware of the situation in Yemen, since it has a lack of oil reserves. For slightly over a year and a half now, Yemen has been involved in a civil war that has resulted in the deaths of 11,000 and the displacement of 3.2 million. Forces loyal to the Hadi-led government, the ultraconservative Houthis, and the Islamic State are clashing for the control of the country.

The United States has been conducting drone strikes in Yemen since the mid 2000’s against RadicalIslamicTerrorists, in what critics call as opaque infringements on human rights/international law/national sovereignty. Today’s drone strike was a direct response to the attacks on the USS Mason this past week, according to Secretary Carter.

“Now, here at the Department of Wa…I mean Defense, we always like to begin our war justifications with a foreign power attacking one of our ships.” Carter explained. “Thus far, it’s worked for the Quasi-War,Tripolitanian War, War of 1812, the Spanish-American War, World War I, and the Vietnam Conflict. We have every reason to suspect that these small chil…I mean RadicalIslamicTerrorists were behind the attacks. They allegedly played soccer one time three years ago with somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody that’s a suspected terrorist, according to one of our CIA analysts who heard this information fourth hand.”

Secretary Carter and President Obama chalked this incident up to “a minor accident.” Apparently, after being launched from an air base in Saudi Arabia, the $4 million Predator drone blew slightly off course  and caught the jet stream, ending up on the East Coast. From there, the 21-year-old Airman in charge of operating the vehicle slipped on the controls, since his hands were coated in pizza grease. Mistaking a group of orphans playing rugby in the combination KFC/Taco Bell parking lot near the GOP headquarters for the mission target, the operator fired the $110000 AGM-114 Hellfire missile armament. Thanks to the failure rate of the munition, the missile misfired into the GOP headquarters instead of at the innocent children.

President Obama ended the press conference by calling the incident “our bad” and that he would pay for any damages to the window, he chuckled and said, “At least nobody got hurt!”

Editor’s Note: You probably don’t give a shit, but we at the Artifex apologize for our lapse in accurate reporting. In the original article, the unit cost of the Hellfire missile was quoted as $111000. However, the price is actually $110000, $1000 fewer dollars. We misread the Wikipedia page as we’re all high as balls on mescaline.

An artist’s rendition of the event

Talley Student Center to convert to Talley Student Shopping Mall by 2018

Talley Student Center is a beloved place where students can freely get together, participate in campus-wide events, study for classes, protest injustices, spit off the fifth floor, and meet once a week to pass bills that the administration won’t give two fucks about. However, Talley staff and the NC State administration have bigger plans in store (get it) for this gathering place.

The Talley Student Shopping Mall is planned to open in 2018, and it will include all that a student would ever want to, in terms of spending all of that free money just lying around. They know that even though the average student walking into the building is probably in thousands of dollars indebted to them, they apparently still have enough spending money for that $50 custom t-shirt, $10 gourmet dessert from the Bistro, and that stupid ‘spa water’ from Rave Catering.

The mall will be divided up according to the student organizations currently residing in various spaces in the 4th and 5th floors. The LGBT center will become a first-class alternative design store where students can express themselves with colorful clothing and hair dye, kitschy motivational posters, RuPaul’s Drag Race Merchandise, and powerful bracelets to let these students have their voices heard.  The women’s center will soon be bought by Claire’s, and the student involvement center is to be rented to Baxter’s Arcade, where students can play 50 cent air hockey and pinball.

Other plans include using millions of tuition dollars to build an animatronic wolf that greets its student customers with a variety of different barks and whistles, kiosks for Wolf CrackersTM, Wolf Gang HoodiesTM, Free Expression Tunnel Vision GogglesTM, and UNC Sucks LLC.  For the cheap price of $10,000, Rave! offers the special Cater To Your Every WhimTM deal (“We’ll literally murder for you if you buy food from us!”).

Some students are excited about this change, like William “Clyde” Jake John Chandler Smith III, the President of the Milton Friedman Society (MFS) and senior studying economics and marketing.

“The greatest part about NC State is that it allows a lot of competition between businesses. Just think about all those jobs that are created!” Smith III said. “If students don’t want to buy from these stores they don’t have to!  Who needs things like emotional support, inclusion, public forums, club meeting space, free concerts/recreation, and a sense of community when there’s a profit to be made!  I want to financially support the university that uses my 20K tuition a year to show itself off to venture capitalists.  I want a $50 dollar t-shirt that rebrands the words of Rudyard Kipling. I want to spend my tens of thousands of dollars that my millionaire father gave me to represent the wolfpack more than anyone else!”

Though it may take time to reel in businesses with all those pesky regulations that NC State has, many businesses like Ralph-Lauren, GAP, and Target are excited to find a place where they can take advantage of the constant, emotionally suppressed, customer traffic that Talley Student Union currently provides.  

Ah, look at all the customers!

MASS CONFUSION AS COLLEGE REPUBLICANS ARRIVE TO “RESPECT THE PACK,” MISUNDERSTOOD AS PRO-GUN RALLY

On Tuesday, August 16, at approximately 7:15 p.m., the NC State College Republicans arrived at the Free Expression Tunnel in hordes bearing heavy weaponry and the scent of beer and Axe body spray. Other students present for the “Respect the Pack” program — designed to raise awareness for the issues of diversity — appeared confused and, in some cases, terrified.

Jonah Johnson, a first-year student majoring in Mechanical Engineering and Business Administration and member of the College Republicans, said “I heard about ‘Respect the Pack’ from the Defending the Second Amendment table at Campus Connections. I thought it’d be a great place to show off my new M107A1 .50-BMG Rifle with QDL suppressor and maybe meet some cute chicks who like hunting and traditional views of marriage.”   

The Defending the Second Amendment Table at Campus Connections, located in the Coastal Ballroom of Talley Student Union between the Mental Health Ambassadors table and the Students Advocating for Gender Equality table, gave out pamphlets, assorted candy, and free guns and ammo over the course of the day.

A frequent counseling center visitor, who wished to remain anonymous, but whose SSN is 666-85-0945, was willing to speak to our writers after visiting the booth in question. “I came today for the free gun, but after stopping by the Mental Health Ambassadors booth on the way here, I think I might give it a few more days.”

One of our reporters went undercover to investigate the booth’s policy on background checks and was simply asked to quote his favorite Bible verse or show proof of membership in a paramilitary group, for instance, ROTC, NRA, the Boy Scouts of America, or the Ku Klux Klan.

While leaving, Chet Smith III, a sophomore majoring in Finance and Accounting and a member of Theta Chi,  the table’s representative encouraged our reporter to attend the Right to Bear Arms rally happening August 16th at 7 p.m. in the Free Expression Tunnel.

Editor’s Note: the 14 extraneous uses of the word “like” used by Smith in the following quote have been removed for the sake of readability.

“Yeah it’s apparently been going on for a while and we’re really excited to participate this year,” said Smith. “Kind of a weird name, but I like it, it’s vaguely threatening. They never really responded to our e-mails about participating, but I think it’s implied and it’s not like they could stop us anyway” he said while firmly holding his Glock in the crotch of his pants.

Devin Potter, a sophomore in Electrical Engineering and member of the National Society of Black Engineers, attended “Respect the Pack” and afterwards said “I’d never felt a greater sense of community and inclusion than when I was surrounded by white frat boys chanting racist slogans while they fired weapons into the air. To really have a diverse campus, we need to make sure that the rights of racist neo-fascists are protected and that they have a platform to spout their ideas.”

NC State College Republicans were giving out pamphlets full of jpg distorted memes such as this one.

Goodbye Harrelson Hall

RALEIGH, NC —After a much awaited hiatus, the Artifex has dropped its newest hot single, Goodbye Harrelson Hall. Please enjoy listening to this indie-rock-ballad as you cry at the fall of this beloved building.

Goodbye, old friend

NC State works with Diocese of Raleigh to patent transubstantiation technology

RALEIGH, NC—At times, the best solutions for today’s problems can be found in the oldest traditions. Here at NC State, in conjunction with the Raleigh Diocese, researchers may have found the biggest of such breakthroughs since Alexander Fleming’s usage of the time-tested method of “being a dirty slob” led to the discovery of penicillin.

Dr. H.R. Ettic, of the NCSU biomedical engineering department, is working closely with priests from the Raleigh Diocese to apply transubstantiation technology to some of the biggest problems facing the world today.

“Someone needs blood in the US every three seconds,” Ettic said. “By taking advantage of the age-old method of transubstantiation, we hope to create a large enough supply of the Blood of Christ (transfused for you), that we can eliminate blood drives completely.”

There are some kinks to work out, however.

“Apparently Jesus was an AB-. So much for being a giver. Anyways, we think that by making some modifications to the Eucharist, we can manipulate the blood type of the resulting Blood of Christ,” Ettic mused.

The next step in the process is to automate the transubstantiation process.

“We scaled up the process to the point where we were transubstantiating over 100L of $3 Franzia Cab at a time,” Ettic said. “But the issue is that we still need an analog priest in order to carry out the transubstantiation. We’re currently in the process of programming the BookBot with a seminary school education such that the resulting Father BookBot could carry out the Eucharist for vast vats of shit wine.”

Ettic believes that this could be the beginning of a paradigm shift for biomedical technology.

“We’re already looking into the potential of the body of Christ (skin-grafted for you), as well. Who knew that the Catholics were actually right about this shit? In your face, Lutherans!”

This collaboration could benefit more than just the biomedical sector, however.

“We’re looking into mass producing Father BookBot for the Catholic Church. The advantage of Father BookBot is that he is linked into PopeNet, and can instantly receive and act upon anything that the Pope sends out,”Ettic said.
“Oh, and, ya know, it also doesn’t have a penis,” He added, grinning wryly.

Ayy lmao, get turnt

NC State Professor Fired After Comparing UNC-CH to Al-QAEDA

Following his remarks in Tuesday afternoon’s session of SOC 357 – Violence and Terrorism – NC State professor Penta Weret has been let go from the university after comparing UNC-CH to the terrorist group Al-Qaeda.

The firing comes just hours before our blue neighbor down the road, UNC Chapel Hill, plays in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship tonight. The Tar Heels will be facing the “Chapel Hill of the North”, Villanova, to determine which team gets to burn more of their parents’ money via couch fires.

Students sitting in Weret’s section of SOC 357 alerted the department head to his remarks shortly after the class ended, but some say this was not soon enough.

“Here I am, sitting in class reading a paper when another student asks Mr. Peret what he thinks of the basketball game this evening,” remarked Tai Meren, Senior in Political Science. “He turna to the student and says he has to pull for Villanova, then clarified by adding ‘Hell, I’d pull for anyone over that Al-Qaeda camp down the road.’ “

When The Artifex questioned the Sociology Department head Randall Woody over the exact reason for Mr. Weret’s firing, he had this to say.

“Listen, I see why this is a big deal, but he crossed a line Mr. Starch. They are currently embroiled in a huge scandal, and they even lost one of their administrators a few years ago because of it. I understand why everyone wants to take a shot at someone while they’re down, but despite all of the atrocities Al-Qaeda committed they are still far less grave than UNC-CH’s transgressions.”

He continued, “By comparing UNC-CH to Al-Qaeda, you’re comparing a systematic ring of terror, intimidation, lying and cheating to a group of people that live in caves and reminisce about their former “glory”. At NC State, we foster free speech whenever we can, but there comes a point where this sort of hate speech against another group simply isn’t acceptable.”

Early reports suggest that Mr. Peret will be moving to Greenville to live amongst, in Woody’s words, “people of the same intellect and class”.

(Be sure to watch UNC lose tonight in the National Championship game. Here’s to “Crying Piccolo Girl” crying tears of joy tonight.)

ARTIFEX TO DISCONTINUE; CONCEDES TO BLACK SHEEP AS NEW KING OF STUDENT MEDIA

RALEIGH, NC–All empires, eventually, must fall. The Artifex is no different. After constant skirmishes with its arch-nemesis, Technician, The Artifex has finally met defeat under the iron hoof of NCSU’s new ungulate-cum-tyrant, The Black Sheep.

Artifex co-editors-in-chief Elone Muske and Schrodinger’s Dog were reached for comment in light of the unconditional surrender of The Artifex to the comedic prowess of The Black Sheep.

“They completely changed the game,” said Muske. “Clickbait titles and completely vacuous attempts to appeal to some generic, cliche idea of the college experience? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

Schrodinger’s Dog was no more hopeful than the down-trodden Muske, who has since resigned himself to the meager existence of running the accidental-pyrotechnics company, SpaceX.

“I don’t understand,” Dog said. “Somehow, everything they stumble into is imbued with a kind of undeniable genius.”

“It’s like they aren’t even trying!” Dog said. “I heard that one of their articles even cured Spiderman’s cancer,” he went on to say.

With the relevance of The Artifex rapidly fading, we made an attempt to reach out to the Editor-In-Chief of our new comedic overlords, in an attempt to understand what the future of NCSU’s student-run media might look like:

---

How do you feel about your recent victory over The Artifex?

*Baa’s proudly*

I see. So do you have any plans for what direction you would like to take student-run media at NCSU?

*Spews cud while staring vacantly into the blackness of its own fur*

You really have a way with words — inspired, elegant; poetry, really. Has anyone ever told you that? Where did you learn to articulate yourself like this?

*Exudes unpleasant smell of spoiled clickbait, Food Lion-brand student-media, and computer science majors*

My word. Well, in that case, The Artifex never stood a chance against you anyways.

Our new editor

PAT MCCRORY FOUND TO BE COMPUTER

RALEIGH, NC — Years of research by key faculty members of the Computer and Electrical Engineering department at NC State have finally resulted in the breakthrough discovery that NC Governor Pat McCrory is indeed a computer.

We spoke to the Principal Investigator of the project, Dr. Meyers, who says “we first hypothesized that Governor McCrory might be a machine in October of last year when he participated in a religious rally that condemned gays and tried to write it off as a bug”.

After further experiments, the research team found so much additional evidence that they had no choice but to accept that Governor McCrory must be a computer. The most conclusive of this evidence being that he completely ignores the passage of time and is unable to comprehend that values can change.

Implications of these findings include that he oftens dismisses data that he is not equipped to process, he sometimes attempts to be overly efficient, going so far as to operate through the night, is unable to function properly with updated software, and cannot collaborate with machines of different operating systems.

Dr. Meyers concluded our interview by asking that we remind our readers that “computers are only good for three or four years at a maximum,” so this November, make sure to vote that we upgrade to less outdated model.

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